At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
