Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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