i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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