I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
