38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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