He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
