come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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