i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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