What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
