I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
