I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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