She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
