ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
