This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
