You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
