I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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