I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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