I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
