i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
