I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
