well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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