Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
