I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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