I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
