we should wear snuggies to the strip club
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
