hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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