The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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