she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
