that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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