Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Also, beer. Big fan.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize