So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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