Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
