got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
