Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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