I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
