Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
