Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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