Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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