I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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