i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
