My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We need to get me chipped asap
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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