Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
