Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize