I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My life is pants optional.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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