I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
