I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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