my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
