I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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