i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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