Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
