Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
