Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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