I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
