I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I can't put those talents on a resume
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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