Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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