is your mom at the bar?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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