I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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