You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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