if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I will be naked everywhere
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
