you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
