i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize